This ain't no amusement park

The Story is the plot of the movie.


The movie begins with a camera showing Washington D.C., which has several damaged buildings and upturned cars on fire. The man holding the camera begins running away from a ravenous zombified Secret Service agent, but trips, falling victim to the montrosity as it smiles into the camera. A boy narrates from here, welcoming the audience to the "United States of Zombieland". Obviously, overwieght people were the first to fall victim to the attacks; a fat student is seen running from a zombie in a school footbal feild, but trips, falling victim. Eventualy, just being quick-witted wasn't enough; to avoid becoming a "Human Happy Meal", shoot a zombie until you're sure it's dead, or "Double tap"; a woman doesn't heed this rule and ends up a victim. A woman is next seen locking herself in her car to avoid several little girls at a birthday party that have become zombies; "when the kids in your neighborhood are fucked-up little monsters, it's time to stop car-pooling". She crashes her car into an in-coming truck, flying through her windshield and sliding accross the road; always remember your seatbelts. The cannibal freaks began getting smarter; one attacked a man taking a dump. A montage of scenes from daily life are shown to be ruined by zombie attacks; some of them are ironicly funny.

Two months later, the narrating boy explains that firmly believes himself to be the only "non-cannibal freak" left in his state; he's trying to get to Columbus, Ohio to see if his parents are still alive. He even jokes Garlin, Texas always looked like zombies attacked. He's survived this long by making a list of things to act as precaution. Suffering from irritable bowel syndrome, the boy seeks a toliet at a gas station, but remembers Rule 3: Beware of bathrooms. At that moment, a zombie (with toliet paper comicaly stuck to its foot) bursts out, chasing him to his car. However, before the boy can enter it, a female zombie rushes at him. He takes the zombies in a loop around the block as "Rule 1: Cardio" flashes. After another lap, he realies his car has been unlocked. He hops in and drives away. However, he discovers a zombie had snuck in while he was running (and managed to close the door), forcing him to slam on the breaks, knocking it through the widow and into a florist shop. Rule 4: Seatbelts! Annoyed the zombie isn't dead, the boy shoots it through the windshield and watches as it tumbles off the car. Rule 2: Doubletap! He shoots it once more, ensuring that it's dead. Sitting on the ground, the boy grimmaces; "at least I found a place to go to the bathroom."

The next day, he narrates Rule 5: Travel Light is another helpful tip for surviving. As the lack of a proper windshield makes it unsafe to use his car, the narrator abandoned it, along with the undergarments he soiled. Joking he avoid people like the were zombies, he now misses having normal people around; as being alone is starting to make him paranoid. At that moment, the narrator hears a roaring engine coming from behind him. A black cadilac with a cow-catcher on its grill, and a white number 3 painted on it drives up. The boy sets up an abandoned motorcycle as cover. The stetson-wearing driver exits and points his gun at the narrator in a stand-off.

The narrator thumbs for a lift, prompting the driver to nod towards the Cadillac. As the narrator heads to get in, the driver kicks over the motorcycle in irritation. After following Rule 34: Check the Backseat, which the narrator just came up with due to the previous night, he hops into the front passenger seat. Asking for the drive's name, the narrator is stopped; he doesn't want to become too familiar with him. The driver explains that he's going to Tallahassee, and the narrator tells the driver that he's heading to Columbus; they decide to call each other these destinations. Tallahassee agrees to take Columbus close to his destination, partnering on a trial basis.

Columbus narrates that Tallahassee was in the "ass-kicking" business and in a flashback, a chainsaw-wielding Tallahassee says "business is good". Columbus further narrates Tallahassee only loves one thing more than killing zombies, and that's Twinkies. They find an abandoned Hostess truck, and Columbus follows Rule 22: Limber Up. However, Tallahassee says he doesn't believe in that; he'll regret it later when he pulls a muscle. They open the truck door, ready for any zombies, but only find Snoballs inside. Informing Tallahassee he needs to crap, Columbus is taken to a rest-stop. He checks each stall for zombies, finding it safe; Tallahassee keeps guard outside while practicing knife moves. Columbus explains he fears clowns more than zombies. hallucinating one has appeared under the stall door. It vanishes and Columbus preps for wiping.

Columbus narrates about how he had once never left his apartment for three weeks, eating pizza and drinking Mountain Dew: Code Red while playing World of Warcraft. His neighbor 406, a blonde woman his age, frantically demands to be let in. He complies, being embraced by her as thanks. 406 explains that when she was coming home from a bar, a homeless man (actually a zombie) attacked her and tried eating her. Columbus allows 406 to rest on him and she falls asleep. He does as well. He later awakes to find that 406 is now has several oozing sores and spits out vomit; she neglected to mention that she got bit by the zombie. She chases him into the kitchen, where he grabs his blender to defend himself, only for the pitcher to fall off. 406 chases Columbus to hid bedroom, jamming her foot in front of the door to prevent him from closing it; her ankle gets broken with the bone visible. The chase leads to the bathroom, where he manages to subdue her with his shower curtain and a cleaning spray. He grabs the lid of his toilet tank and whacks her good across the head. He then runs out and shuts the door, only for her to open it and limp after him. Apologizing to whatever remains of 406, Columbus gives one final whack to her head, killing 406.

Back in the present, Columbus narrates that 406's attack was his first brush with the plague of 21st century. He explains that mad cow disease turned to mad human to mad zombie. The afflicted become hateful, rash, have their brains swell and get "a really bad case of the munchies"; the disease basically are reduces people to the mentality of toddlers with serious anger issues. Columbus and Tallahassee come across a burned-out car blocking their way and move it to the side; Tallahassee points out that the rumors that the infection hasn't reached back East is same thing he'd hear back West, comparing it to a penguin considering switching which Pole to live at.

They continue driving as Tallahassee tries asking Columbus about his sex life (his use of metaphors confused Columbus until he mentioned one they both knew); Columbus lies, saying he did it with a girl going by Beverly Hills a few weeks ago in the back of a FedEx truck. Tallahassee knows Columbus is lying, but something catches his eye when its his turn to answer; a female zombie is feasting on a deceased man in the middle of the road. A parked car with both the driver and passenger doors open is near by, implying this was a couple that was attacked by a zombie previously and the wife has turned. Columbus expresses how sick seeing this is, but Tallahassee says it makes him hungry; to each thier own. Columbus expresses concern, but Tallahassee tells him that whatever's in Ohio, isn't "going to be much prettier than our friend here enjoying her man-which." Tallahassee veers to the right a bit, slamming his door into the zombie's face, knocking it down. He cackles with glee.

They arrive at a grocery store, where Columbus becomes shocked by the cache of weapons Tallahassee has stored in the back of his vehicle. "You are a dangerous man." Tallahassee grabs a banjo, baseball bat, hedge trimmers and his gun as artillery. Columbus questions him as to why he's so obsessed with Twinkies. Tallahassee explains that with barely any survivors around who could not even know how to make them, every last Twinkie left in the world will go in his gut because, contrary to belief, they do expire. Tallahassee tells him it's time to "nut up or shut up!" They enter the store as Columbus narrates again; "When Tallahassee goes Hulk on a zombie, he sets the meter for 'not-to-be-fucked-with.' No fear, nothing to lose. What can i say? It's.. it's like art." Tallahassee plays "Yankee Doodle" on the banjo, attracting an overweight zombie. He rushes up to it, slamming the banjo to its head, knocking it down. Tallahassee slams the banjo into its skull without rest, splattering the scene with the zombie's blood. Another obese zombie arrives, chasing Columbus to Tallahassee. Columbus slides on his knees past Tallahassee, who clobbers the zombie with the bat until it stops moving. Tallahassee tells Columbus that he owes him now. In awe, Columbus tells Tallahassee he's amazing; "I know." Searching for a Twinkie, Tallahassee sees a larger zombie arrive. Columbus offers his own gun, but Tallahassee takes out the hedge trimmers and decapitates the zombie - "Come on big fella, I'm going take a little off the top." Discarding his no-longer-useful trimmers, Tallahassee looks back at the zombies, expressing his disgust at how the zombies let themselves go before turning.

A beautiful girl with raven hair around Columbus's age emerges from the basement, begging them for help. Attracted to her, Columbus tells Tallahassee to go on ahead of him while he makes sure the emergency exit is available for usage in case of another zombie attack. Rule 18: When in doubt, know your way out. Reaching the basement, Columbus meets to the girl once more, whom Tallahassee codenamed "Wichita", and her younger sister, Little Rock. Explaining Little Rock has been biten by one of the zombies, Wichita demands a gun to shoot her with; they've already said there good-byes. Columbus hands his over to Wichita. However, she immediately takes aim at the guys as Little Rock takes Tallahassee's gun; they're con artists, and pretty damn good ones at that. Wichita says that it's better they didn't trust them, than the other way around. They steal the caddie and supplies, leaving the boys with their luggage. Columbus is left dumbfounded - "The first girl I met in miles steals my gun, makes me feel like and idiot and says I can't be trusted?"

Walking through town, Tallahassee and Columbus talk about what they think to be "Zombie Kill of the Week". Upon reminder of the loss of their vehicle, Tallahassee yells at Columbus about how trouble came to him as soon as they teamed up. Columbus decides they need to find new transportation, spotting a usable minivan. However, Tallahassee (as Columbus describes it: "[his] firm belief that you need to blow off steam or lose what's left of your mind") destroys it in rage, demanding the "stupid little bitches" give back his Cadillac. Columbus is willing to let Tallahassee "go ape-shit" if he's not the victim, even if it means the loss of possible transport. However, Tallahassee begins writhing in pain from not Limbering Up. The rule appears on the bumper of the destroyed vehicle, falling off soon as its been around long enough to have be seen. They continue walking until they find a usable truck, which has a pair of bitten off hands on the wheel; Tallahassee uses one to flip Columbus off. Columbus precedes to Check the Backseat per the rules, finding it filled with weapons. Tallahassee yells to the sky "Thank God for Rednecks!" He fires off a gun in joy while an impatient Columbus waits inside the truck.

Driving off, Columbus tells Tallahassee the ancient proveb: "He who seeks revenge should dig two graves." Laughing, Tallahassee tells Columbus both will be for the girls; Columbus retorts that Tallahassee is "scary happy". He then questions the gun-ho zombie-killer, learning that he used to live happily with a dog named Buck until zombies got him; flashbacks show Tallahasse treating a dog like a human, meaning he has a softer side to him that he doesn't want to show because of his loss. Tallahassee explains that he could be "skinny dipping in the Yellow Stone River, or swinging from the chandliers of the Playboy Mansion" for his new life, but right now, he's looking for a twinkie. Continuing to laugh, Tallahassee says that you have to enjoy the little things, something Columbus adds to the list.

They next find Tallahassee's now broken-down cadilac down the road with "H3LP" written on its side. Tallahassee goes ahead to see if the girls have layed yet another trap, hoping the girls will fire at him to give him an excuse to retaliate. However, he finds his turck empty of the girls or supplies. He gives a signal to Columbus to drive down; he gets in and tells him to keep driving while keeping an eye out. However, Columbus's figity behavior lets Tallahassee know the girls ambushed him while he was out looking; Little Rock pops out from the back seat, telling Tallahassee it's just her. On her order, Columbus honks the horn, drawing Wichita out of hiding (she's aiming Columbus's stolen gun at them). She tells them it's a bummer they have to steal from them again; however, they instead decide to share the accomidations. Columbus is grateful, seeing Wichita as "not your average stuck-up bitch." Tallahasseee takes his gun back from Little Rock, resaulting in a Mexican standoff. However, Columbus releases all his pent up frustration, saying to behave like normal people as zombies ARE constantly after them. Putting their weapons away, everyone enjoys the ride until Columbus asks Wichita if she's heard anything about his home town; to his horror, he learns it's burned to the ground.

After hearing the girls are planning to go to Pacific Playland, Little Rock and Tallahassee argue with each other through the night. (Curiously, the radio still gets signals) Wichita offers to drop Columbus off at a usable car, but he decides against it, choosing to continue traveling with them. A stir-crazy Tallahassee asks to be let out to stretch his legs, so to speak.

Finding a stop, Tallahassee decides there may be zombies to kill inside. He rings the bell and shoots a zombie through its blindside when it runs out; Columbus Doubletaps to make sure it stays down. Though Tallahassee thinks he's got the Zombie Kill of the Week, Sister Cynthia Knickerbocker beat him by squashing a zombie with a piano; "poor flat bastard." They then explore the inside, sampling the items. Tallahassee taunts Columbus about wanting to "fuck Wichita. Wish granted; she's spent the last 24 hours fucking us both." In response, Columbus puts cologne on him, angering Tallahassee; having kicked a lot of ass for a lot less, Tallahassee punches him at 45% power. This causes Columbus to knock over some items. Wichita sees this and knocks over a display. Tallahassee then encourages everyone to start breaking everything around them, resulting in Rule 34: Enjoy the Little Things popping up. They leave, having let off some steam.

Despite it bettering their odds to stay together, they all agree to only stay together until they reach California. They reach Hollywood and take a map of the stars homes, deciding to spend the night in style in the home of one of the rich and famous. Tallahassee drives them to Bill Murray's mansion, the "Tippy top of the A list" in stars. However, Little Rock angers Tallahassee by not knowing who the famous star is; they decide to split up to make sure there are no zombies inside the mansion; Little Rock goes with Columbus with the other two being stuck with each other for company. In the meantime, someone wakes up in one of the rooms and gets up.

Tallahassee and Wichita find a stereo and golf equipment, deciding to take some time off and have fun. Elsewhere, Columbus and Little Rock find Murray's private theater, where they begin watching Ghostbusters; Tallahassee and Wichita listen to the theme at the same time. Wichita hits a golf ball that richotes around until hit Tallahassee on the head, knocking him down.

Murray humbly listens to Tallahassee praise him

A zombified Murray enters the room and walks to Tallahassee; Wichita hits him on the back of his knee. Murray cries out in pain, asking her why she did that; he's wearing makeup to golf freely outside his home, going on to explain some others may have had the same idea. Tallahassee yells in joy, getting to meet his favorite actor of all time. Murray acts as a good host, giving Tallahasse and Wichita some Pot to smoke and plays Ghostbusters with them (much to Tallahassee's delight).

He then decides to scare Columbus, at the others request, but ends up getting shot in the chest as they did not disarm Columbus beforehand. Dying, Murray holds no grudge against Columbus, saying Garfield was his only regret in life. They wrap him in a sheet and toss him over a balcony, giving a four shot salute.

Playing Monopoly, everyone expresses what they like most about "Zombieland", which is the lack of government rules; you can pretty much do whatever you want now, minus the threat of the zombies. (Though its unknown if there are large settlements that have endured the zombie epidemic, and are holding out until the infected die off or can be wiped out.) However, Tallahassee says he misses Buck the most, showing everyone a wallet they made together with ducttape. Columbus then realises Tallahasse hadn't lost a dog, but rather his only son; Tallahassee had been running from the truth. The gun-ho zombie-killer then says he hadn't had a good cry since watching Titanic.

Tallahassee is later seen practicing his shooting with Murray's China plates. Little Rock joins him and gets some pointers, beginning to feel a father-daughter bond with him. In the meantime, a drunk Wichita dances with Columbus to make up for a school dance no girl wanted to take him to. They almost kiss, but Tallahassee bursts into the room at that moment, asking them where pillows are; he and Little Rock are making a fort.

That morning, Wichita and Little Rock drive off in Tallahassee's vehicale, again. An annoyed Columbus yells at him, as he ruined the only possible moment he could have lost his viginity; "you're like a cock-blocking robot built in some frickin secret governmen lab." Driving away, Wichita expresses her shock of almost kissing Columbus; Little Rock, being able to abandon Tallahasse easier thanks to her young age, reminds her sister they promised it would only be the two of them.  

Wichita and Little Rock reach Pacific Playland by sunset, starting up all the rides and games. This is first time in a long while that they've gotten to enjoy themselves; all the trouble of the Zombie Apocolapse seems so far away now. However, all the flashing lights begin attracting the zombies in the near by town; they should have started up everything the next day just to be safe. The girls flee through the attractions, killing zombies along the way. 

Back in Bill Murray's mansion, Tallahassee, who has stolen a snakeskin jacket to replace his leather one, explains that he's heading to Mexico next to look for Twinkies - "lil' submarin-os". However, Columbus decides to go after the sisters (with or without Tallahassee's help), crashing a moped barely 20 feet from the garage. (What else could you expect from a klutz like him?) Disgusted with Columbus's klutziness, Tallahassee decides to go with him in one of Murray's SUVs- "Come on, Evel Kenevel. Let's ride the roller coaster."

At Pacific Playland, Wichita and Little Rock have crashed Tallahassee's vehicle in a poorly-thought-up move to get rid fo the zombies; in all honesty, they should have just driven away while shooting any stranglers hanging onto the vehicle. They strand themselves at the top of a tower ride by shooting the controls; the sisters take out the zombies at their leisure. However, some of the zombies begin climbing the tower instead of pointlessly clawing at the sky, forcing the sisters to focus on killing the smarter zombies.

Tallahasse and Columbus arrive at the park; Tallahasse attracts the zombies' attention to give Columbus a free pass to race over and save the girls; "Anybody hungry!? Tallhassee's nice this time of year!!". Tallahassee uses the rides to his advantage, shooting zombies along a rollercoaster ride and holding onto a spinning swing. He locks himself in a prize booth and begins shooting zombies left and right (quite litteraly), and even above, surrounding the booths with a pile of corpses. Unfortunately, zombies also go after Columbus, who flees into the Haunted House, which proves advantageous to him as the props hold the zombies off long enough for him to shoot. Racing to the tower, Columbus doesn't notice a pedulum-like ride takes out the zombies still chasing him. Columbus reaches the tower ride, only to be confronted by a zombified clown. Remembering his Rule 15: Don't Be a Hero, Columbus decides it's optional and "fuck this clown; time to nut up or shut up", smashing its face in with a mallet. He restarts the ride with a emegency control, knocking a zombie Wichita had been kicking away to the ground as the sisters are safely deposited by the ride..

A grateful Wichita tells Columbus her real name is Krista. Columbus brushes her hair behind her ear and shares a kiss with her, much to Little Rock's surprise and disgust. Tallahassee watches from the roof of the prize booth, saying Columbus' finaly getting to first base is "not bad for a little spit-fuck." After Krista and Columbus finishing kissing, they are both embarassed. They walk back to the SUV, to find noone else is there. Krista questions where "Florida" is (Tallhassee is the capitol of Floira for those who don't know); Colombus sees the junk food shop next to the vehicale, knowing that it's Twinkie-hunting time again - "I have an idea." Inside the shop, Tallahassee is destroying all the displays and candy racks in rage; "false advertising!" Apparently, there's a sign advertising that the shop sold fried Twinkies on th wall, but there aren't any around the shop. Hearing a noise in the closet, Columbus instinctively fires, only to find that a rat was the one that made the noise and that his bullet has destroyed the only box of twinkies in the store.

When Columbus tries apologising, Tallahassee tells him its too soon for them to be talking. Columbus then hears the girls attempting to take off with their vehicale again. Both rush outside to stop them, not wanting to have to find supplies all over again like last time. However, much to their delight, they find Krista and Little Rock aren't going to try conning them again; they've bonded over the last few days and wouldn't want to face Zombieland without them. Little Rock tosses Tallahasee a Twinkie she saved for him; he enjoys it almost crying from joy for finaly getting one after several failed attempts. They guys attempt getting in the car, but it takes off briefly. Tallhassee and Columbus laugh at the girls for pulling that prank again. Driving off with everyone inside the truck, Columbus says he's found something in Zombieland now that he's always wanted, and that's a family. Mirroring the move he made before meeting Krista and Little Rock, Tallhasse takes out a zombie by hitting it with his door. As the movie comes to an end, Columbus says a little sunscreen never hurt anyone and "this is Columbus, Ohio, signining out."